


Phantoms

by RensSaxophone



Category: Uta no Prince-sama
Genre: Angst, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-24
Updated: 2020-08-24
Packaged: 2021-03-07 00:21:15
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 5,789
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26087854
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/RensSaxophone/pseuds/RensSaxophone
Summary: "What if I was wrong by never moving on I didn't realize who's gone. The ghost in me was true but you were haunted too just didn't see it all along." - The Killing Kind, Marianas Trench
Relationships: Camus/Hijirikawa Masato, Hijirikawa Masato/Jinguuji Ren, Ichinose Tokiya/Kurosaki Ranmaru, Jinguuji Ren/Hyuuga Yamato, Jinguuji Ren/Kurosaki Ranmaru
Kudos: 5





	1. Dearly Departed

**Author's Note:**

> All three songs are by Marianas Trench  
> (The first two had previously been posted in my song fics, but I put them here instead to finish the storyline because it went further than I thought it would.)

It was a day in early October when Ren had invited Ranmaru over. It had taken Ranmaru a few days to accept the invitation, but in the end, Ranmaru and Ren wound up on the bed together for the first day of the few that they’d spend together. 

Perhaps the last few, Ren thinks with a dry realization. This may be the end. 

Ranmaru’s eyebrow raises when Ren excuses himself and returns with nothing but a bottle of wine. 

“What’s that for?”

“A toast.” Ren smiles dryly. “To what almost was. And what’s going to be.”

Ranmaru sighs, but he shifts on the bed to give Ren room. Ren sits with Ranmaru, shoulder to shoulder. Knee to knee. 

“I still have our wedding cards.” Ren says quietly. “I should get rid of them, but I haven’t quite managed to.” 

Ren is the first one to take a drink of the bottle. 

“You should.” Ranmaru says, his voice gruff. He takes the bottle from Ren when Ren’s done drinking. He takes a long drink from the bottle, and only talks when it’s lowered. “But look. You didn’t invite me over ‘t wallow, right? Let’s just… not focus on that.”

“Or what’s about to happen.” Ren says, his voice almost lost.

Ranmaru sighs. “Or what’s about ‘t happen.”

“...To have you for just a few more days.” The bottle is back in Ren’s hands now. “I can’t believe you accepted.”

“What else could I do, Ren? We can’t change anythin’ else. This won’t change anythin’ either- but it’s all I can do.”

Ren shifts. He leans his head against Ranmaru’s shoulder. 

“We can’t do anythin’.” Ranmaru reminds. Or perhaps it’s a warning.

“We can’t do anything.” Ren agrees grimly. Ren sighs, and he takes a drink. This one is a long one, and when he stops, it’s only to take a breath before he takes another drink. Ranmaru is fast to take the bottle when he’s done, perhaps because he’s worried Ren may go for a third. “You told me not to focus on the past, but I’m afraid that I can’t avoid it.”

“...We’ve got three days, Ren. If you need ‘t get it out, I won’t stop you- but don’t let it be all you think about.”

“It’s something I think about too often. It’s something I’m going to share- and I hate to think it, but I don’t think I’m capable of not making you uncomfortable with it. ...But this… my God, I missed it. My life really was tangled in yours, Ran. I… when you left… I was lost. I… don’t know, Ran. I don’t know where we went wrong.”

“We didn’t, Ren. It wasn’t that we went wrong, it’s that we weren’t right.” Ranmaru sighs, and he takes a drink from the bottle himself, before he continues. He doesn’t let Ren take it when he tries. Not yet. “We just weren’t meant ‘t work Ren. Not like this. Not romantically.”

“This is… unfair of me. But I’m going to tell you anyways.” Ren’s eyes close. “I can’t speak for you- but I’d never take back a moment of what we had. You were important to me, Ran. I can’t think of you without- without feeling it. You were the first truly emotional connection I ever had, and I can’t… I can’t ever forget that. Every song I’ve written for you will always be for you. Every name I’ve called you, every fond thing I’ve told you will never be a lie. Ranmaru.” Ren swallows hard. His entire body is racked by guilt with this confession, but he says it anyways. “Once upon a time, you were my home. ...And I can’t lie and tell you that when I think of home I don’t think of you. It is you. I think it may always be you.”

Ranmaru’s jaw tightens. It relaxes. His hand clenches into a fist before straightening out. His voice is strained. “I’m marrying Tokiya, Ren.”

“In four days.” Ren says softly. “I know.”

The next few days fly by. After the first morning, they somehow manage to slip into a more comfortable pattern. There’s an awful lot of alcohol involved, but they make it through it. 

Ren can’t remember the last time he had spent time with Ranmaru like this. They way they fell against each other, laughing at one or the other’s dumb jokes. Watching a movie and picking it apart, or speaking quietly about nothing with music playing in the background. 

And then three days later, Ren saw Ranmaru out of his apartment. His voice is hardly audible. 

“Goodbye, my dear old friend.”

“It doesn’t have ‘t be goodbye, Ren.”

A glance of pain flashes across Ren’s face, and he shakes his head. “For your sake… for mine. For everyone involved- it does.”

Ranmaru’s jaw tightens, his grip on the door does as well. “Call me if you ever change your mind.”

Ranmaru turns, and Ren steps forward. They embrace- as nothing but friends. The hug lasts only a few seconds too long before they let go, and Ranmaru leaves. 

Ren sits on the couch for a long time. He finishes the bottle they had started that morning- though Ranmaru had stopped drinking around noon to be sober before he left. Ren had never stopped. 

The door to Ren’s shared apartment opens. Masato returns, carrying his bag. 

He had known, what Ren was going to do. Why he was asked to leave the apartment for just a few days. Masato’s first move is to remove the wine bottle from Ren’s hand, sighing as the thumb of his free hand brushes over Ren’s cheek. 

“You’ve had too much.” Masato’s scolding is too soft. He sets the bottle on the table, to cup Ren’s face. Ren’s hand lifts, hovering over one of Masato’s. Masato leans in to kiss Ren’s forehead. “It’s hard to believe, my love.” He says quietly. “But it will be okay.”

“Of course it will be.” Ren doesn’t mean for his voice to be so… empty. But it is. His smile misses the mark, too. “I have you.”

Masato sighs, his eyebrows furrowing. “And one day, I hope that will be enough.”


	2. The Death Of Me

Ren had felt off for some time now. It had been since Ranmaru had visited- and Ren _hadn’t_ reached out to him at all, but he hadn’t quite managed to forget him. 

It was almost a year later when he finally forced himself to address it. 

Before he had revisited with Ranmaru, Ren was content with Masato. It was never quite the same, but he had managed to push Ranmaru to the back of his mind. Funny, how Ranmaru only stuck around when he was really, truly lost to Ren. But it wasn’t fair. It wasn’t fair to Masato to do this to him, and that’s why Ren chooses to sit down with Masato. 

“Is it him?”

Ren winces. 

Their relationship had been simple. Neither man had spoken about Ren’s past, despite Ren’s longest friend clearly having remembered it. Masato would have been the best man at Ren’s wedding. These were the questions Ren knew needed to be asked- but they were questions that really showed the worst of him. 

Ren nods.

“Masa- please understand.” Ren’s voice is pleading. “I’m not leaving you to hurt you. I… I know you love me. But you deserve so much better.” Ren’s eyebrows pull in, and he can’t avoid the pain in his expression. “You don’t deserve this.”

“Can’t you try?” Masato’s voice breaks. His hand tightens against the table hard enough to turn his knuckles white. 

“Masa- I’m sorry.”

Masato swallows hard, and his voice is still unsteady. “I’m sorry.” His voice is empty. “If you don’t feel it, I can’t force you to. I shouldn’t.” Masato stands, stiffly. “I… give me a week. I’ll find something by then.”

“Of course.” Ren isn’t sure if Masato hears him, the younger man already headed to his room. 

Ren stops him, just as Masato is preparing to leave. He had gotten his thoughts in order as well as he could. His eyes are pained, but Masato stops, to listen. 

“I have something I want to tell you. Before you leave.” Ren waits, to give Masato the chance to deny. Masato doesn’t. “I wish I could tell you I don’t miss Ran- but he’s… he’s never stopped haunting me. And it was never fair of me to act like he hasn’t been. ...But you, Masato, were the first person in a very long time that really, truly gave me butterflies in my stomach. I would give anything to love you back, Masato- but there’s nothing left of me to give you, and I can’t hold you here knowing that. You deserve all of me, Masato, not the little that remains, but I can’t give you that.” Ren presses a kiss to Masato’s forehead. The last affectionate gesture he’ll give him. “I’m sorry.”

“If… If you ever… find yourself. Please-”

“Don’t do that to yourself, Masa. Please.”

“Then…” Masato swallows hard, his head dropping, just a bit. Almost into a bow. “At least don’t drop me. Not the way you have Kurosaki. I don’t want to cut contact with you.”

“...Only if you can promise me that you won’t wait for me, Masa. Everything I’ve told you is the truth- but you shouldn’t give up a chance to let yourself be happy.”

Masato looks at him, and Ren thinks he can see Masato’s eyes shine. He doesn’t look happy, as his next words escape his lips, but he says them. “I’ll… hold that end up, if you hold up yours.”

There’s a sight through the window- of a truck pulling up in front of the house. “Your car is here. I’ll help you load your bags.”

When Ren gets back into the apartment that is now his alone, he sits on the couch and lets his head fall into his hands. No one enters, this time. 

Years later, Ren hears news (from Masato himself) that he’s getting married to Camus, an old Quartet Night Senior of the two. 

Ren sends a present, and he sends good wishes. 

When the wedding rolls around, he finds himself on the couch of his apartment. If he closes his eyes long enough, it’s almost like he can feel the weight of two shadows looming over him- though when he looks back, his apartment is empty.


	3. The Killing Kind

Ren had fallen victim to his bad habits- when he drank, it wasn’t that he forgot the faces that haunted him, but they were less painful. It was easier to remember better times with Ranmaru and Masato when Ren wasn’t stuck being miserable. It had been years and Ren never had gotten over either of them.

Ren frequented bars, but he tried to not stick with just one of them. He may not be famous anymore- but he was a Jinguji and a former idol, and if he kept going into a specific bar, it could start getting noticed. So he’d make his rounds. 

Where he could, he’d usually order wine, and then end up drinking far too much of it. He usually liked to sit himself towards the back, but still at the bar- and even with the distance he still often had to deny women coming up to him. It’s what he expected, when he heard footsteps coming up behind him- though had he paid any attention, he’d notice that the footsteps were far too heavy. Ren doesn’t glance to the person that sits on the stool beside him, though he realizes very quickly, even without looking, that it _wasn’t_ a woman. The person sitting besides him was clearly a man. 

“Wine? If you’re here to get hammered, that’s not going to get you very far.” 

Ren’s head snaps up at the voice, because he _recognizes_ it. He looks besides him with a look of surprise too evident on his face. It had been some time since he had seen _anyone_ from his old rival band- especially Yamato. It wasn’t that he and Yamato hadn’t gotten along, but they didn’t have much to tie them together, either. 

“That’s quite an assumption.” Ren takes a sip from his glass. “What makes you think I’m out to get drunk? Maybe I’m just trying to find a pretty lady to take home.”

Ren thinks there may be some bitterness in his voice, but Yamato just scoffs. 

“You’ve been here four times in the past few months and you’ve left shit-faced everytime.” 

That makes Ren pause, setting down his glass. Quite a few things go through his head but he finally settles on a response. 

“Well, then clearly the wine is doing something.”

“A hundred dollars of glasses in, I guess.” Yamato raises a hand to the bartender, and the bartender meets his eyes and Yamato holds up two fingers. The bartender glances at Ren and then nods. It’s quiet for a moment as Ren watches the bartender start making two drinks, and then there are two glasses sat in front of the men. Yamato grabs one. “If you’re going for drunk, you might as well do cheap and quick.”

“Do I want to ask what’s in it?” Ren cautiously raises the glass. 

“It’s better as a surprise.” Yamato lifts the glass to his lips. When Ren does the same, his eyes still on the blonde, he almost winces. 

“That’s… strong.”

“One of these is probably about four glasses of that.” Yamato nods at the glass of wine. 

“Jesus…” Ren shakes his head, but he does cautiously take another sip. It’s still too soon for the bit to have left any. “But if you’ve seen me so often, you should have stopped by to say hello sooner.”

“You’ve looked pretty miserable every time.” Yamato comments, a bit gruffly. 

“Then what changed this time? I can’t imagine I look much different than the last time I’ve been in here.”

“...” His silence is almost a bit uncomfortable as he buys a few seconds by taking a sip from his drink, and then he shrugs. “I dunno. Guess I just got tired of seeing it.”

Ren doesn’t push him further. Instead, he falls into small talk. For a moment, he thinks Yamato might leave- he never really had struck Ren as the small-talk type. But while some responses, especially in the beginning, come slow, short or gruff, they do eventually fall into a more comfortable conversation. 

When Ren leaves the bar, he had barely even finished that first drink Yamato had gotten for him- and he felt just slightly buzzed. It was the least he had drank going to a bar in a very, very long time.

Ren breaks his rule, the next time that he goes to a bar- because he goes back to the same one. He takes his place on the barstool towards the back of the bar, and today, he actually looks around. He hadn’t asked Yamato how Yamato had seen him, all of the times before, but he finds it out for himself today. 

Yamato is with a group of guys, sitting at a table. Ren happens to catch him in the middle of an arm-wrestling competition and it’s clear that he’s been the winner for some time now. Ren doesn’t mean to catch his eye, but it does happen- and Yamato downs the other man’s arm easily, before he brushes off his next competitor to stand and go to Ren. 

Ren smiles, though it gets an almost wary look from Yamato. Ren still doesn’t drop it. “I hadn’t meant to steal you from your group.”

“Don’t worry about it.” Yamato shrugs, but he takes his place on the stool next to Ren. He nods at the group, and they’ve already gone back to what they were doing. “They’ll live.”

“I take it you’re here a lot?”

“Couple nights every week.” Yamato nods. “They’re in a group I go to the gym with and we stop here when we’re done.” Ren gives a nod of his own, but he notices Yamato glance over to him, his face forward but his eyes turned. “You used to play darts, right?” Ren notices Yamato’s fingers tapping against the bar. “You still do that?”

Ren shakes his head. He still had a dart board up in his bedroom, but he hadn’t touched it since Masato. “I don’t play anymore, no.”

“What about your instrument?”

“The sax? I haven’t picked that up in some time, either.”

“What _do_ you do, then?”

“Drink.” Ren’s smile is dry. “Speaking of…” Ren’s eyes flicker to the bartender. 

“How much do you drink? You were just here a couple of nights ago, yeah?”

Ren blinks, almost a bit taken aback when he sees Yamato turn his head, narrowing his eyes. Ren regains himself with a chuckle, though it’s clearly strained. “More than I should.” He gives a dismissive wave. 

“You’ve gotta feel like shit, if you really drink that much.”

Ren raises his arm, to set his elbow on the bar and to lean his head against his fist. His sigh is almost wistful, as his eyes close. “No, I don’t feel very good when I drink that much. But I don’t have any intentions of stopping. Ah… what’s that phrase? **’I don’t love the bottle but the bottle loves me’**.”

Yamato grits his teeth, but whatever he’s thinking about, he doesn’t say. As the night progresses, Ren only gets through one drink- because Yamato _talks_. 

It clearly doesn’t come easy to him, but he seems to be trying to distract Ren. Ren can see it from a mile away, especially as the words come forcibly, but the sentiment isn’t lost and Ren tries to fill in some of the empty space where Yamato just can’t think of anything to say. 

The next few times Ren shows up to the bar, Yamato excuses himself from the group to go sit with Ren. The only time that Ren had gotten drunk at a bar in the past month has been the one time he had shown up and Yamato and his group hadn’t been there. Ren had actually felt lonely, sitting his spot alone. After that he had made a point to pay attention to what days Yamato was there, to avoid drinking alone. Not that he usually drank as much when he and Yamato were talking. 

Ren wasn’t as worried about the tabloids, either- because he wasn’t often stumbling out of the bar. And, a lot of it _was_ Yamato. Ren would take a few rumors if it meant that he had someone to spend time with. It had been a while. 

Spending time with Yamato _had_ felt a bit strange, at first, but Ren hardly gave it a second thought now. And then, one night, Ren had stared into his glass. Yamato had noticed, but had just quieted down until Ren had spoken. 

“Would you like to come over to my house?”

“I’m not gonna sleep with you.” 

Ren gives a startled laugh at Yamato’s to-the-point statement, and then he gives a tired smile. He isn’t sure what Yamato meant exactly by that- why Yamato thought that’s what he’d ask, but there is a bit of hurt. And maybe even a bit of rejection, but he pushes that feeling away. “Well, that wasn’t why I was asking.”

“...Then sure.”

Ren’s smile is still a bit edged- but he isn’t going to retract his offer. Because he really _wasn’t_ inviting Yamato over with the intention to sleep with him. Yamato gets up from his chair, and Ren quickly finishes off what’s in his glass. It was still more than half full, and it burns going down, but Ren tries to ignore Yamato’s eyes on the glass in his hand. 

When they get to Ren’s home, Ren actually winces at the realization that he hadn’t _planned_ to invite Yamato over. His apartment wasn’t a disaster area, but there quite a few bottles- particularly wine. Most of the bottles were empty. 

“Excuse the mess.” 

“So is this what you do on the nights you aren’t out?”

“Some of them.” Ren’s voice is a bit grim. He steps forward to begin cleaning some of the bottles, but Yamato catches him by the arm, just above the elbow. 

“Why?” The way Yamato’s eyes are searching Ren’s face almost makes Ren wither. Ren shakes his head, and he smiles. 

“It’s just a bad habit, is all.”

“I’d call this more than a bad habit.” Yamato’s eyebrow twitches, but he contains his anger well enough beyond that. 

Ren’s mouth works but no words form. He finally sighs. “I’ll… I’ll tell you. Eventually. I can’t get into it right now.”

Yamato is quiet, but he lets go of Ren’s arm. He’s silent when he starts helping Ren clean up bottles. Ren tries to insist that he doesn’t need to, but Yamato just brushes Ren off. 

Ren is glad that they settle in easier when it’s cleaner and the reminder isn’t in the open anymore. 

Yamato starts going over to Ren’s apartment more. Ren never misses the way he looks over the apartment for any bottles. There had only been one time when Yamato had asked Ren about coming over, not long before he wanted to and Ren had said yes though he had been fairly inebriated. 

Yamato hadn’t said anything. 

Ren thinks he would have preferred that he did. Yamato usually called Ren out on behavior Yamato didn’t like, but Ren’s drinking always seemed like a sensitive topic but Ren always felt like Yamato was _disappointed._

And then came the day where the feelings in Ren’s chest and the emotion in Yamato’s eyes had just… come forward. 

Though it was Ren that brought it up. 

“All that time ago,” Ren’s voice is grim. “When you told me that you wouldn’t come over if I asked you to sleep with me- why?”

“Because I didn’t think you had the self-respect not to and I wasn’t gonna be the one to help you fuck yourself up worse.”

“What-?”

“It’s really obvious.” Yamato’s straight-forward nature was something Ren still hadn’t fully gotten used to. Ren is shifting, a bit uncomfortably, but Yamato’s eyes are holding his. “Blaringly. Once I started talking to you.”

Ren sighs, and he closes his eyes. “It’s all my fault.” Ren’s shoulders slump. “I was in love with Ranmaru. And he left, but I never really did get over him- and then I found myself in a relationship with Masato… and all I did was hurt him. Because Ranmaru had gotten married, and I found that I _really_ wasn’t over him. ...And then Masato left, and I realized what I had lost, but it was unfair to keep him. ...He’s married now, too.” Ren’s eyes haven’t opened. 

“I don’t get it. What’s your fault?”

“My failed relationships. The fact that I’m still not quite over either of them.”

“And why’s that your fault?”

“Because,” Ren sighs, finally opening his eyes. His smile is nothing but sad. “My love, I’m afraid, is the killing kind.” Ren watches Yamato, for just a moment too long, and his chest constricts and he has to look away. “I don’t deserve it. And no one deserves what little I can give them either. ...I see the way you’re looking at me. The way you have been. And I wish we could do something about it, but I think it may be better if you just gave up on me now- before we inevitably crash and burn and you just join my list of ghosts.”

“Look at me.” Yamato’s voice is angry, and when Ren turns his head, his expression matches. “Just because you’ve had a couple of relationships that ended shitty, or that you’re having trouble letting yourself get over them doesn’t mean you’re just fucked, Ren. You’ve had… what? _Two?_ ” Yamato is up so fast that Ren barely registers it, and then Yamato’s hand is curled in the front of Ren’s shirt, and Yamato’s face is so close. Ren’s eyes are wide- doe-eyed. Yamato’s are blazing. “Just stop making yourself miserable!” 

Ren freezes, because he knows Yamato is going to move- and for a second he wonders if he’s about to be hit. But Yamato pulls him closer by the shirt, into a highly aggressive kiss, but Ren notices Yamato’s hand disappear from his shirt, not forcing him into the kiss. Ren can feel his eyes burn, but he presses himself into the kiss and when he responds, Yamato’s hand moves to the side of Ren’s face. It’s still a harsh touch, but it’s not the same as the grip on his shirt had been.

That had been the first push to their relationship, but once it had been breached, they move faster. Yamato doesn’t push Ren further than Ren can handle- but he _does_ push Ren. And he starts with the drinking. Now that Yamato is over more, he’ll start looking into the recycling as he passes it- or he’ll start bringing over groceries for when he cooks for Ren, to fill the fridge with food instead of alcohol. 

There is no more looks and silence. Yamato is straight-forward with Ren- that drinking isn’t bad but Ren isn’t just _drinking_ anymore. Yamato held himself to a strict schedule, of exercising and eating and just overall keeping himself healthy- and he starts to hold Ren to it, too, to an extent. He doesn’t make Ren exercise the way he does, or eat _quite_ as strictly- but he starts bring Ren to the gym with him once a week. Ren had been a bit hesitant the first time, but Yamato’s group hadn’t been there. It was only Ren and Yamato. 

It wasn’t that Ren had let himself go, but he wasn’t in as good of a shape as he had been when he was an idol. Part of him was a bit worried- because there was no way he could keep up with Yamato’s exercise schedule, but on their first visit, Yamato had set Ren up to do a few simple exercises and as soon as the second, Yamato already had a good grasp on where Ren was. 

Having a boyfriend that was also a great personal trainer wasn’t something Ren could complain about. He was pushed, but never too far. 

It was a theme of their relationship. 

Yamato really was doing his best to try to help Ren. 

To get Ren to help himself. 

To get Ren to become better. And while Ren was insistent that he wasn’t improving much, Yamato told him that his face wasn’t nearly as dark as it was when Yamato saw him sitting in the bar. He pointed out how Ren rarely went to bars anymore- how Ren had let Yamato move in, and how Ren had dropped the act with Yamato. 

_”Act? I don’t know what you’re talking about.”_

_“Please. It made sense when we were in different bands, but you had all this fake put-together charm shit for a really long time. You finally started acting like _you_ when I started coming over.”_

_“I was trying to be friendly.”_

_“Well you’re a lot less annoying when you’re not trying so hard.”_

It was a night when Yamato and Ren had been lying together in bed that Ren’s phone rang. He had went to just turn it off and deal with it later, but his hand had frozen just over the button to deny it and Yamato’s attention had been caught. He pulls Ren’s arm back, so that Ren is facing Yamato again. 

“Who is it?”

Ren’s shoulders draw in, making him seem smaller. “Masato.” Ren smiles, but it’s completely fake, and it’s obvious. “I had made him a promise, years and years ago, that I would stay in contact with him. The way Ranmaru had asked of me and I had never done. ...I haven’t spoken to Masato since he’s gotten married.”

Yamato lets Ren’s arm go. “You should answer it.” He glances at the phone. “Or call him back.”

“...Why?” Ren’s eyebrows furrow. Something about Yamato’s suggestion had thrown him off. He wasn’t quite over Ranmaru, or Masato, either- but he wasn’t unhappy with Yamato. For Yamato to suggest that he _should_ call a man Ren still thought about more often than he should while dating someone else.

“You can’t just keep running from this.” Yamato’s face is too serious. Ren gets too still. “Do you _want_ to get over him? Them?”

“I do.” Ren’s voice breaks. It’s almost pleading. His leg wraps around Yamato’s waist, and he pulls himself closer, cuddling into Yamato’s side. “Please believe me. I want to give all of myself to you.”

Yamato’s hand rubs over Ren’s back. “I believe you.” His response is blunt. “But you’re never gonna over either of them like this. It hasn’t worked yet.”

“...Okay. I’ll… okay.” Ren ducks his head, pressing his face to Yamato’s side. Yamato gives him a long moment, but Ren finally pulls off of him. Yamato ruffles Ren’s hair, but he leaves the room, leaving Ren alone. 

Ren takes a deep breath, but he calls Masato back. 

“Ren?” There’s surprise in Masato’s voice. 

“Hi, Masa.” Ren’s voice is too weak. Masato sighs. 

“It’s been an awfully long time. You promised.” Masato sounds hurt. 

“I’m sorry. I… I should have been better. ...How have you been, Masato? I hope nothing serious has happened.”

“It… well… nothing severe. I try to call you every few months. Not that I’ve started expecting that you’ll pick up- though I’m glad that you did, Ren. I mean that. I worry about you sometimes, you know. I worry that you’re worse than you had been the last time we spoke.”

“I…” Of all things, Ren is reminded of the look Yamato gives him, anytime that Yamato can tell that Ren is upset but is hesitant to tell him why. It’s what pushes him to tell the truth. “I hadn’t been doing well. But it’s been… nearing a year that I’ve been doing better.”

Masato’s sigh this time is relieved. “If you’re telling me the truth, I’m glad to hear it.” There’s an uncomfortable pause, and Masato’s voice is softer. “Have you ever gotten to move on, Ren? Have you really found something that makes you happy?”

“...I haven’t moved on the way that I should have.” Ren’s voice reflects Masato’s. Grim. “I… I have found someone. Yamato Hyuga- from HEAVENS, of all people. ...A small world.”

There’s a conflicting tone in Masato’s voice. “Have you thrown out the cards?”

“...I haven’t.” Ren’s voice is guilty. “...He knows about them. Yama. He asks me a lot, why I keep them.” Ren gives a humorless laugh. “I can’t ever give him an answer. Because I don’t know.”

It takes nearly an hour and a half for them to stop talking. Ren’s heavy feeling finally lifts, just a bit, nearly forty minutes into the conversation. 

Masato had a child. He and Camus had adopted, and their dog, Alexander, adored the child. Apparently, the dog never left the kid alone. Masato tried not to speak too much of Camus to Ren, but his tone softened and grew adoring when he spoke of his boy, and it was enough to keep it from hurting Ren. 

When they finally hang up, it’s with a promise from Ren that he would call again, or that he’d answer Masato’s next call. 

It takes Ren a half an hour before he dials Ranmaru’s number. 

This could backfire- but Ren had actually felt better after talking to Masato. It was still bittersweet, and it wasn’t a perfect fix… but Masato was happy. That would have to be enough. 

Ranmaru answers Ren’s call. 

“...Ren?” Ranmaru’s voice is wary- but it’s exactly how Ren remembered it. 

“Ranmaru.” Ren’s voice is perhaps a bit too formal. “I’m… sorry for the call. I’m sure it was unexpected.”

“You don’t need ‘t apologize fer callin’. ...Did somethin’ happen?”

“No. No, I just… called Masato, and it made me think.” Ranmaru grunts.

There’s a long pause. 

“How ‘ave you been holdin’ up, Ren?”

Ren tells him, mostly the same story he had told Masato- only Masato was in this story. Ranmaru had already known, of course. He had actually gone to Masato’s wedding. 

Ren doesn’t directly tell Ranmaru that he hadn’t gotten over him. But he does admit that he had been bad, especially after Masato, but that he had been doing better after finding Yamato.

There’s another sigh, just like Masato’s, that’s almost relieved. 

“Good. I’m glad you found someone. ...It never made me feel good y’know. Knowin’ that I was helpin’ ruin yer life, because you were so hung up over me.”

Ren gets quiet for a long moment. 

This is the first time that he’s really considered how Ranmaru felt, about how Ren felt about him. He knew that it wasn’t _good_. But Ren was too hurt to consider that he wasn’t alone- because Ranmaru had Tokiya. 

Ranmaru and Ren’s conversation does end almost naturally. Ranmaru doesn’t make Ren promise to call him again, but he expresses that he’d appreciate it if Ren would reach out every once in a while. 

Ren sits by himself in silence for a very long time, with his head hung and his eyes closed. 

And then he stands, making his way to the drawer of his bedside table. 

Yamato finds Ren over the kitchen trash can, ripping up the wedding cards that must be nearing ten years old at this point and throwing them in the trash. 

Yamato’s hands find Ren’s waist. He doesn’t say anything- he just stands, pressed to Ren’s back. Ren explains on his own. 

“It might have been a mistake.” Ren admits quietly. “Not moving on in the first place. ...Losing Masato made me more miserable. It made it worse. ...But I don’t want to lose you, too, by not learning from all of the mistakes I’ve already made. I don’t… I don’t want to be miserable.” Ren sets down the stack in his hand on the counter, so that he can turn in Yamato’s arms, and his hands raise, cradling Yamato’s face. 

Ren’s eyes are shiny. 

“I don’t want you to be just another ghost. I want you to stay with me. I want to give you everything that I have, and this is the first step to doing that. I need to move on. ...If I’m sticking with the ghost analogy… I’m one, too. And I need to stop.”

Yamato sighs. 

A sigh of relief.

Ren’s hearing a lot of those today. 

When Yamato pulls Ren in for this kiss, it’s by his hips and not his shirt, and there isn’t hesitation when Ren returns it.


End file.
